“Oh my god I’m having another kid!” Gregg “Opie” Hughes

This blog was created when Opie announced he and his wife Lynsi were pregnant with their first child. On June 29, 2012, Opie announced blurted out they were expecting baby number 2 and very soon! Better yet it is with a girl. Bahahahahaha. Ahh girls.  Vaginas, wedding dresses, tampons, training bras, drama, best friends, prom dresses, nail polish, drama, feminism, body image, perverts, pink, Barbies, and did I mention drama?! In all seriousness, I am so happy for Opie, Lynsi, and Hudson. Nothing brings more joy then adding a new member to the family. I am gonna make this all about me for a minute and hope she is born on my daughter’s birthday. Ahem, August 27, cough cough.

My husband and I didn’t find out the sex of our kids when I was pregnant, and I was terrified of having a girl, which is of course what I ended up with. 2 of ‘em. On 2 different days, almost 18 months apart. I was a tomboy growing up, which is part of the reason I was petrified of having girls. I don’t know anything about being girlie! Except maybe what tampons to buy and giving blow jobs, both of which do not help them at really any point in their lives. But you know what? Looking back on it, I have actually forgot what the fuck I was so worried about.

I don’t have a son, so I don’t know about the father-son and mother-son relationship, but from my experience there is nothing like the father-daughter and mother-daughter bond. The moment they wrap their little fingers around your pinky, you feel this overwhelming sense of protection, motivation, and stress. You watch “16 and Pregnant” and see perfectly normal parents becoming grandparents.  You scream at the tv, “They did everything right and this shit still happened?! Fuck!” You constantly pray that skimpy bikinis and shorts that barely cover asses are out of style by the time your girls reaches puberty. You start putting a lot of stress on  yourself to raise a strong, confident woman so they don’t end up at the Compound. But at the same time you want to raise them to keep their femininity and not lose the warmth and caring attitude girls have.

Again, I have 2 daughters (ages 3 and 2) and I think I can offer some poor advice on some of  positives about having girls. I don’t have to deal with piss on the floor, but I will eventually have to deal with bloody tampons, cramps, and PMS. Probably both girls at once. Lovely. I don’t have to deal with little boy boners, but as Kevin from the “The League” says ‘When you have a son, you only have to worry about 1 dick. When you have a daughter, you have to worry about all the dicks.’ Couldn’t have said it better myself. I don’t have to deal with boys pulling on their little pricks and whipping them out in public but digging in vulvas isn’t much better. Or when your 3 year old strips out of her swimming suit and streaks around the swimming pool. Guess who that happened to?! Mortifying.

I guess being a parent is stressful no matter if you have boys or girls. I know first hand little girls are sweet, helpful, nurturing, energetic, creative, and can be total cunts, but they will always be our little girls

Congrats to Opie and Lynsi on the upcoming birth of their precious daughter. And an additional congrats on this being the first girl on Lynsi’s side of the family since Lynsi. Something to truly celebrate

“I so understand parents who hit their kids.” Gregg “Opie” Hughes

This could possibly be the line of the century uttered on the “Opie and Anthony Show.” Opie wasn’t talking about smacking a kid around for discipline’s sake, but rather restraining yourself from slapping them when they get on your nerves. I know, I know it is incredibly cliche to say “I used to say I would never hit my kids. Until I became a parent,” but my kids are driving me nuts, and I have to talk about this with someone. Preferably people who understand a Chip reference, but that is a story for another time. Whether you use spanking as your form of discipline or not, you have to admit your kids act up once and awhile and you want to smack ‘em in the face. I’m somewhat new to this parenting thing (my kids are only 2 and 3) and I just have to say that the age 3 stage sucks ass. Don’t get me wrong, my daughter has some of the best qualities. She is affectionate, independent, nurturing, energetic, strange, focused, beautiful, and daring. But she also has some horrible qualities. Mostly from me but that is besides the point. She can be angry, defiant, stubborn, unreasonable, annoying, repetitive, and exhausting. Granted these bad qualities are possessed by most 3 year olds, but it is still emotionally exhausting, especially when you’re stuck babysitting them all day.

Here is the angel/devil. Depending on the day

After a year or so of parenting you realize exactly why parents hit their kids. Let’s face it, kids are annoying, trying, and frustrating. They don’t like broccoli even though they ate a whole plateful of it the last time it was served. They want to watch Dora instead of Diego even though it’s the same fucking show. They don’t understand why they can’t wear a sundress in the middle of January in Wisconsin. I will admit that I have lost my cool and smacked my kid. She threw a gigantic tantrum coming home from the park, and I had to drag her 5 blocks because she refused to walk, ride in the stroller, or be carried. I finally got home and tried to disciple her.  She back talked, and I snapped and smacked her in the face. The moment you hit your child is the worst feeling on the planet. You feel instant remorse and freak out. You don’t want your child’s first memory of you to be of you losing your cool. You flash forward 20 years and visualize them on a therapist’s couch retelling the story of how her bitch of a mother slapped her face when she was 2. It is truly terrifying. But then you apologize, and (sometimes) they are cool 3 seconds later playing and chilling out. The resilience of children is truly amazing. You realize that you will work through this and try to make it up to them the best you can.

I suppose this is the place where I should offer some advice about what to do when they are acting like total cunts. The truth is I have no damn clue. Ok I have a little bit of a clue but as my kids are only 2 and 3 I don’t feel like I have enough experience for people to actually use my advice. I guess my biggest piece of advice is don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone has moments where they lose their cool and your kids might freak out, but they will forgive you. I know I always feel like a piece of shit if I lose my cool and scream or throw something. But then I came across this story. Now these people are pieces of shit and abusers. Losing your cool and hitting your kids once every 6 months to a year does not make you a bad parent. Spanking is always a hot button issue with parents. I personally don’t spank my kids, just the occasional lose your cool moment. We use the naughty chair technique, praise, and rewards. What’s the favored means of discipline amongst all you pests? Have you ever lost your cool with your kids?

“Not my hoard, not my problem.” Anthony Cumia/Melissa Stetten LFTC

First off, if you are one of the 3 people on the internet who has not seen Drinking outta cups. Go here now and watch. I’ll wait. Seriously watch. I know it seems stupid but just watch the fucking thing. You’ll be laughing by the end. Ok at least stay til 1 minute 52. “Not my chair, not my problem that’s what I say.” Now the title of this thing will make sense. Also if you don’t watch Live from the Compound with Anthony Cumia and Melissa Stetten, go to iTunes and check it out. They drink, they take calls, and they watch reality tv. The kind of reality tv that makes you lose faith in all of humanity, Intervention, Toddlers and Tiaras, and my personal favorite Hoarders, we will come back to that in a second.

I think we can all agree the mothers on Toddlers and Tiaras are despicable, as MomsForOpie so wonderfully said in the previous blog post “Podcasts and A New Year!” I swear we didn’t plan this out in advance. Great minds think alike I guess. No one wants to be that parent: the overbearing, pressuring, pain-in-the-ass parent. When you first learn you are going to become a parent, you think about what kind of parent you do want to be. In your quest to raise a “normal” kid, you begin to examine how you were brought up. The ways your own parents fucked you up and the ways your own parents raised you well. You remember all the good times and the bad times. The moments that made you who you are today and the moments where you were scarred for life. All this thinking always leads you to “Holy Jesus I hope I don’t end up like my mother.” Take my mother for instance. My mother is a hoarder. Not a disgusting dead cat, shitty diaper hoarder, but a hoarder none the less. She still owns every piece of clothing, newspaper, and any item bought for children since about 1975. No joke. My sister and I found a tote in a closet filled with newspapers from my senior year of high school. I hated high school. I don’t need memontos from my time there. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother. I named my daughter after her for God’s sake. But she can’t.throw.a.damn.thing.away. She asked 3 people before she threw out a Cubs pennat from 1984. NO ONE WANTS IT! THROW IT AWAY! But I digress. We all take the little quirks we (and our parents have) and do our best not to pass them on to our kids. I, for instance, refuse to keep stuff around the house I don’t need. For example, you will never see anything like this in my house.

No way, no way. The second I see a broken crayon it gets thrown in the trash. I don’t need to keep 4000 broken crayons just so I can be crafty. Ugh. The lesson in this is that I want to make sure my girls know we don’t need to keep every single thing they have ever owned. We keep the important (and well done) artwork and the toys they really enjoy and actually play with. I fence sell their old toys and clothes on a Facebook rummage sale site. When my daughter asks “why,” which she does incessantly btw, I tell her she has enough toys or she has outgrown a toy/outfit and someone else who needs it can use it now. Then I remind her that not everyone is as fortunate to have so many toys, blah, blah, blah and make it some noble thing about giving to others when it’s really about getting all this shit outta my house. I am hoping this leads to young ladies who treasure the sentimental things and have the empathy to give to others when they have more than enough. What quirk are you desperate not to pass on to your kids? What values/morals do you hope your kids learn from you?

Podcasts and A New Year!

Hi there!

Life is a little crazy for me, and I’ve been a very bad infrequent blogger, Unfortunately with my ADD, and schedule (monitoring bowel movements, playdoh and tea parties)  I can’t consistently do anything well.

I’m very lucky to have the wonderful Katie Frey (@kfrey13) , be basically taking over this blog.  I’ll still be around, but before I really get distracted I wanted to do a post about all the cool podcasts.  Then came the sad realization that it would take 9,392 hours to review them all.  So I am passing along the ones that @struff the O&A historian had compiled as well as the few ones I had a chance to listen to.

The Main Guys- All friends of the show, you need to check out the master historian of O&A he’s got a great page here, just click on this link, or on the graphic below to get you to his page.

The two I managed to listen to:

Live From the Compound- Anthony Cumia.  When I watch LFTC it feels like a real professional show with profanity.  With an ample listener base, Anthony has a great setup here and has the lovely Melissa Stetten as co-host.  I was able to see the nice side of him here too, I believe it is called, Nicethony.  They are the next era of Mystery Science 3000, only replace science with reality TV, add some brutal comments and superior HD quality and no robots, so nothing like MS3K. Oh and there is frequent discussion about guns, and for some reason nail polish (alright that was one episode i heard)

Most recent episode: I’ve listened in on the LFTC simulcast of Toddlers & Tiaras and I can’t really put into words the violent adverse reaction that I have towards this circus (not LFTC but “that train wreck of a show”).  I first have to apologize that this isn’t so much about the LFTC aspect, but the T&T drama.  I sincerely hope the crew gets hazard pay or a good benefits package for having prolonged exposure to bad mothering.  I just would like to say on behalf of quasi-normal moms, we are just doing our best, yeah, we’ll screw up our kids no matter what, but not all of us are living vicariously through our children.  For every crazy parent out there, there are 5 of us fairly normal people who don’t garner much attention, love our kids but know they have their faults as well do we.  We lay low, use discipline as best we can with what works and there isn’t much tv about us, because we make the worst ratings, we don’t take things so seriously, and just go through the highs and lows as best as we can, and vent sometimes on twitter.

Stay strong “fairly normal” parents, I know alot of you out there are awesome, I see you on my timeline, keep up the good work.   And if you want to feel like parent of the year, check out LFTC’s Toddlers & Tiaras simulcast and you can safely say, “at least i would never do this to my children”

Rich Vos and Bonnie McFarlane- My Wife Hates Me-  Yeah, it can be addicting, I did listen to them while cleaning on a Saturday, no joke.  Instead of therapy, Bonnie and Rich hash it out with each other, and in the end like the song says they are able to always laugh, and slightly show a little affection to each other. Vos always makes me laugh and he insulted one of my closest friends at a show once during a set when she was out with her boyfriend.

Friend: So we went to a comedy show, and the comic started with me.

Me: Ha!

Friend:  Do you know “Rich Vaws?”

Me: Ha!

and she still speaks to me, so that’s good. I love Bonnie.  I really do.  This woman will fly out to do her shows and take a nanny and her kid with her and she could easily be with John Stamos (if the rumors are true).  But she’s devoted to her bad speller and make believe FBI profiler, bless her heart. And she really is super funny and wish she would self-promote herself more so I can actually go see her one day.

Fans/Offshoots Podcasts:

UNlearnTheShow- Cigars and Scotch with Rich Woods.  Visual and Audio, Rich and Tony always have some good material to talk about and interesting rants on everything.  If you’ve seen C&S tweets, his witty comebacks/observations/puns are highlighted on this show.  Sadly I heard that the cabana got flooded, so I think they are presently repairing right now.

ReDICKulous Radio-  Recently a personal favorite to just listen to for the “I know these people” factor.  They are the folks I’ve been following on twitter and I like them. I also can appreciate that they are engaged with the listeners and you can see it is creating community.   I dare say, @footerk is a natural at this and @PomplaDouche is a great shit stirrer… I hope he gets verified by twitter soon. Great work on getting some of my favorite gals as guests too, @lillivonschtupp and @HollyinStPete rule! Hoping to hear @queenelisabeth too.

More that I haven’t heard- please comment below if you have and I can add it to the page.  Comment below to include your podcast so our 6 occasional readers may or may not tune in…

@momsforopie

Revealing Truth from a Magician- Why You Should Follow Penn Jillette

Penn Jillette, a magician, who entertains audiences by fooling them with sleight of hand and at the same time is an advocate for truth, honesty and good people. Yes, he has an act but also is real, it’s hard to explain. I listened to him on O&A about his staunch opposition on people like Jonathan Edwards who make a living off of deceiving people. My love for him increased when I watched his “Bullshit show”, where you get to see 2 sides (as much as you can), with his commentary, and it was refreshing, even inspiring. From his piece on those folks that follow UFOs, to the one story about guns, the sweetest boy and his violent video games. There aren’t too many shows that try to get both sides of the story, but Bullshit does a good job. His most recent show, “Penn and Teller tell a Lie”, keeps you interested till the end where they reveal which of the 6 stories was the whopper.

On October 16, Penn, tweets this….

What’s going on? Following @jrswam I learn that @pennjillette is making sandwiches for an auction with @clayaiken and Dee Snider from Twisted Sister. Hubs and I immediately figure out this has to be Celebrity Apprentice. I look it up online and see that there is wiki on Celebrity Apprentice Season Five, along with all the proposed contestants. Also found this note:

“NOTE: It was reported the first week’s task was taking place during taping on October 20, 2011; for October 22-23, Andretti will be allowed off taping because of a funeral (the taping occurred after the end of the 2011 IZOD IndyCar Series season, and because of the tragic circumstances at the abandoned 2011 IZOD IndyCar World Championships, drivers are being asked to attend funeral services).”

So if that was really Penn’s last tweet, shouldn’t the celebrity tweets of everyone else be silenced since October 20, day of taping? Well that’s not the case. In reality, alot of twitter accounts of celebrities are managed by a publicist, or someone else usually from a marketing/social media firm. This doesn’t bother me so much if it was something the celebrity admits to up front. I get it that you have a brand and don’t have time to deal with all the fans, inquiries, but own up to it.

Clay Aiken makes it clear on his twitter:

But the others who have twitter accounts, you can figure out who has someone tweeting for them by the dates, feel free to fact check this one yourself by going into their actual twitter accounts:

Penn, thanks for appreciating your fans, and being an honest guy.
Clay Aiken, great up front honesty!
Teresa, your tweets may be real, but do yourself a favor, admit you are wrong and go apologize to your friends, the cycle stops with you. Yeah, I watch RHONJ, I admit it.

Who is dis bitch? by kfrey13

Editors Note: Welcome Katie, a contributor to this blog, who I can definitely relate to, and I thank her for sharing her candid story below.  Her last paragraph sums it up beautifully.

If you’d like to share how parenthood has intersected with pesthood, or something that would benefit the O&A community of procreators (besides condoms/birth control) contact me via twitter, or email me at spring2010nj@live.com.

 

You know you are an O & A pest when, you are at a wedding and the best part was seeeing a slideshow photo of the groom with Dane Cook and Bob Kelly. Then you proceed to slam Fat Bobby because half of his face was cut out of the picture because he was taking the picture. I know the groom only knew who Dane was so the picture was really supposed to be of the two of them.  I almost cheered, that’s how annoying I am because anyone O and A like, I am usually a fan also. Their are exceptions of course, i.e. Bobo, but I’m not here to talk about that tiny dicked retard. I’m sure you all are wondering who the hell I am and what I am about. If you happen to follow my on twitter, @kfrey13, all 110 of you, you will know I am a housewife and mother of 2 girls from Wisconsin.  I am home alone with 2 children. All day. I don’t get much adult interaction. However, I do listen to the Opie and Anthony Show, and it is the only adult converstation I get.  It is part of what keeps me sane as well as tuned in to the outside world. They are underpaid and underappreciated by many, but still I am a loyal listener and can’t make it through my day without them. Ugh, that shit was so sappy I threw up in my mouth a little.

The first time I heard O & A, I was in a Schneider truck going through Tennessee. My FIL had passed way, rather was horrifically killed, several months earlier, and I began riding in the truck with my husband to keep him from losing  his mind. This was when the boys were a premium channel on XM, and they had a free preview so we tuned in. It was the classic Larry King bit introducing “THE Motley Crue.” Of course us being rubes, we didn’t understand it at all and wondered what was so funny. We listened for a few minutes and were like, “Are they ever going to move on?!” and stopped listening. A couple of years later, my husband started listening again. Like any annoying pest, he would quote lines (badly) and say to me at night on the phone “Today on Opie and Anthony . . . . ” and I would cut him off because, like a typical caller, he could never retell the joke or story right and it was unfunny. Once he quit driving truck OTR he would listen to the show in the morning before work, and I would catch little bits and pieces. One of the first bits I remember was “Wake up your Spouse Wednesday.” I am a sadist, and I laughed by balls off listening to it (and imagining me doing it to my husband. ) Since then, I was hooked. I listen to the show on Audible now, because yes, I cannot miss a second of the show. I am one of those people.

What really draws me to O & A is they are topical, brutal, and honest about all topics especially parenthood. This is relatively obvious since I am a parent and since it is my “day job” my life is consumed by it. I love to hear (most) other people’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I live in a relatively small town, and like Opie, I detest talking with other mothers at the playground. Mostly because I think my views on parenthood are much different than your typical midwestern mom.  I’m not a mother who loathes the day my kids are out of the house.  Nor am I one who dreads talking to her kids about sex. I can’t afford to be a grandma for fuck’s sake. I don’t get outraged or offended when my children might possibly see or hear something that might possibly damage them.  I am trying to raise self-suffcient kids who aren’t afraid or sheltered from the real world, real language, or real experiences. I believe honesty is a truly honorable virtue and that’s why I listen to the boys. Like ‘em or not, they are always honest. Everyone can benefit from that, even our kids.

Best Comedy Set at Hard Rock Cafe- O&A