A cynics guide to Peter Pan

I have basically turned into a bitter old lady and can never just enjoy something for what it is. I have to criticize it some way. It’s one of my many faults. So needless to say, when I watched “Peter Pan” AGAIN during quiet time recently, I had a few observations.

1. Why do these rich idiots have a dog for a babysitter? And why do all the kids sleep in the same room? What are they Mexican?

2. I love how the parents leave the windows unlocked when they leave so the kids can be kidnapped like the Lindberg baby.

3. My children are utterly confused by Nana. We have a newfoundland so I told them Nana was a newfie. They looked at me like I was speaking Chinese. They apparently don’t understand that dogs can be different colors but the same breed. Our newfie Tank is black, and Nana is some other fucking color I’m not sure of. Is anyone even reading at this point? I’m sure everyone exited when I mentioned Mexicans.

4. Is Peter Pan a queer? Asexual? An Elf? Fez?

5. I prefer bitchy Tinkerbell to the peppy, perky, annoying bitch in the new movies.

6. I’m sure some asshole college student has written an 15 page paper on the methaphor of Pan chasing his shadow.

7. Who else thinks of a hippie chick at a Dead show when they hear the name Tiger Lilly?

8. Wow. Mermaids are cunts.

9. Honestly. I couldn’t take it anymore and took a nap. Plus I just realized that Nana in the movie is St. Bernard and in the book it’s a Newfie. Fucking bullshit. I’m boycotting this movie. That’s how mature I am!!!

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